Ed Loses it

Ed Loses It

The wind is whipping up the shoreline and the tide is driving the waves to crash against the sand. The waves seem to be matching Ed’s mood. Ed is dug into the sand. He is lying on his back and his feet and legs are covered by sand. His hands are covering his face. He is crying. Ed lets go of tears he has held inside since his father died. Ed cries to the wind.

“Dad I miss you!” He shouts into the air as he sits up and faces the roaring waves. It is during sunset. It is the first time Ed is alone in several weeks. Ed continues to have a conversation with the waves. Ed stands and walks on the shores edge, stepping into the crashing waves.

“Dad I wish you were here. I just want to sit on your lap again. I feel like I am five years old…I am crying like a baby. People are expecting me to act like a grown man. Mom is expecting me to take care of your affairs. I am this grown up lawyer. I am glad I took care of most of that paper work months ago. Because right now I can’t see what is in front of me because of all my tears. I know what you would say Dad, go ahead son be a puddle on the floor for awhile. I am that puddle. I so feel like that puddle right now. I have been trying to be strong for mom and also for you.

I have also these different feelings swimming around in my heart and head. I feel such a loss without you in my life. My heart is aching literally. At the same time I feel this renewed love for Liz. I haven’t seen her in 20 years. I wanted to have a life with Katie. But all I have been able to do is not break up with Katie when I wanted to.

I was going to break up with her on the way to the airport. But she does this thing with her voice that makes her sound so sweet and kind, maybe because she is sweet and kind. But she is oblivious sometimes to reality. I didn’t want to be the schmuck who made this sweet kind lovely woman cry. I didn’t want her to cry. I felt like if she started crying I would start crying.

I didn’t feel comfortable being a puddle of tears around Katie. I never have. She expects me to be able to juggle everything, be this big, strong and know it all guy for her. I am not. I am this little nerd from Hickville, Michigan, who used to crap in his pants when the bullies would jump on him in fifth grade. Dad you taught me how to use my brain, how to use humor and story telling to win over these bullies. Thank you for that and so much more.

Maybe the always holding it together crap is my expectation for myself. But when you live in the big city like to NYC and have to go up in front of mean scary bully judges everyday, sometimes I am reminded of fifth grade and those damn bullies dad. I use what you taught me. I use my humor and brain-power. I win a lot of cases. You told me that you were proud of me dad. You were one of the best legal minds in the country. I could always get your advice on a tough legal brief.” Damn, Ed shouts. He stomps into the waves and soaks himself. He dives under the wave, coming up for air and to continue the conversation. Ed feels more refreshed.

“Dad you have always said that the only thing you want for me is to be happy. I studied law, because I saw how happy it made you. But Dad practicing law doesn’t fill me with joy or satisfaction. I dread going into court. What makes me really happy is writing. Writing poetry, writing short stories. I have dreamt about coming back here to Michigan and write a novel. I want to write a love story about you and mom. How you met, fell in love, raised us kids. I don’t know for sure what I want to write, but I want to write a tribute to you.

I want to stay here and write and spend more time with Liz. Somehow Katie doesn’t belong here in Michigan. But everything inside me tells me to spend more time with Liz. I want to have time to get to know each other as adults. Dad I want your advice. I want your blessing. I can have never either because you aren’t here.” Ed begins to cry again. This time he is completely covered in the waves of Lake Michigan with only his head bobbing above.

“Dad I want to see you again, Ed cries.

From somewhere deep inside, he hears a voice say, “Not now… not yet…look to the shore.” Ed sees a figuring running on the shore. As the figure approaches, he sees soft curves, long legs and long brown hair tied in a pony-tail. The figure is waving to him. He can’t hear anything. He realizes he is 500ft out from shore. He dunks himself under the water again and swims closer.

He hears a familiar voice say, “Ed, I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Come closer to shore.”

Liz is holding a towel out for him. He swims to the shallow waters again and begins to walk to Liz. He feels like he is walking for the first time. He stumbles and Liz catches his arm and wraps him in a big warm superman towel.

“I am glad to find you,” she says.

“Me too” Ed says, beginning to feel better.